To the point his jizz actually caramelised, and turned brown.’Ĭomparatively vanilla, this one: two or more pugilists beat themselves off, first to finish wins. Greg: ‘…and ended up literally broiling the poor Pony – ‘Rainbow Dash’, I believe – in spunk. Then one day, he absent-mindedly stashed it too close to a radiator…’ He basically succeeded, drowning the sorry quadruped in his w*** juice. He kept a My Little Pony figurine in a glass jar, and spent months patiently trying to drown it in cum, one spurt at a time,
Greg: ‘I heard about this weird f***er on 4Chan.
Rick: ‘Mum knocked it off the bookshelf when she was dusting and it smashed.’
When it’s around half full (or half empty, depending on your outlook) the gang sit in a circle and pass it around, each in turn removing the lid and inhaling the putrid stench therein deeply. Over days and weeks, the jar gradually fills. He retires to the bathroom, does his thing, and ejaculates into said vessel. Whenever good pals gather to play FIFA or watch telly, and one fancies teasing the tamarind, a communal ‘spuzzjar’ is produced and handed reverently to him. Rick: ‘God, and round two would take forever.’ Ollie: ‘Ah, but is it technically a biscuit? The last thing you’d want is some smart arse proving it’s a cake. A chocolate coating would certainly help, and perhaps some sort of sweet filling.’ Paul: ‘Is a digestive the best choice? Of biscuit, I mean.’ Ollie: ‘I won – which is to say, I didn’t lose.
Another lad produced a biccie from somewhere – a digestive, I seem to recall – and we all just cracked on.’ One of the older chaps got hold of some brandy to liven up an evening of cards. Ollie: ‘Absolutely, it was a very posh school. No choke without fire, right? My question is: why would anyone make something like that up?’ Rick: ‘Surely that’s an urban legend, right?’ Last to finish scoffs the biscuit, sour frosting and all. The nation’s most notorious masturbatory pastime: a circle of panting degenerates loom over a table with a biscuit in the centre in order to ejaculate on the, let’s say, ginger nut. For those brave souls still with us, our methodology was to identify five distinct varieties of ‘team tug’, outline the rules, and see if our panelists have tried them out, or had any thoughts on how they might get on.